


i cannot dream tonight

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (well maybe a tiny bit sad phil), M/M, happy phan, sad charlie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Where are you? And I'm so sorry.</i><br/>I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.</p><p> </p><p>Sad Charlie is <i>very</i> sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i cannot dream tonight

There's something special about Phil. 

Phil's got this way of talking to Charlie like he's not five years older than Charlie. He listens when Charlie talks, acting like the worlds hold actual value to him. Phil laughs at Charlie's jokes and he makes Charlie feel safe and wanted and like a better person than he probably is. 

When Phil finds out that Charlie likes to read the same kinds of scary books that he does, Phil mails Charlie an entire box of paperbacks that he's already read, with little notes stuck in Phil's favorite parts. Charlie gets halfway through one before he gets distracted and gives up, but he'll go back and finish reading them at some point, he's sure. 

When Charlie's upset, Phil calls him on the phone and lets Charlie yell about school and home and parents. 

He even answers when Charlie's drunk, which is a lot, and he doesn't say anything when Charlie talks about the guy he just slept with even though Charlie knows, he knows Phil likes him, he knows it can't be fun to hear. But Phil doesn't make him feel bad for it. The worst, maybe, is just that for a day or two Phil isn't quite around as much - unless Charlie actually needs him. 

Phil would probably date him, if Charlie wanted. But Charlie likes the way things are right now. He doesn't want to stop going out and having fun. He likes Phil, but he's not sure if he quite likes Phil enough. 

Besides, Phil must not mind too much, right? Phil knows that Charlie likes him back, even if Charlie still gets off with other guys. It might be different if they were closer to each other but Phil's at university and Charlie's... not. 

Charlie tells Phil that he wouldn't care if Phil screwed around with other guys, too. Sometimes he even encourages it because it would make him feel a little less bad about his own selfishness. Phil gets quiet in that sad way whenever Charlie says it so eventually Charlie stops. 

Eventually it all kind of just... stops. 

* 

Phil makes him smile. Stephen makes his heart race. 

Talking to Phil feels like a warm hug. Talking to Stephen feels being on a roller coaster. 

Phil won't have all-the-way sex with him because he says he wants some things to be special. Stephen has him spread out and begging the first time they go out together. 

He could tell Phil anything and Phil would understand. With Stephen he keeps his secrets jumbled up inside, because he won't do anything to risk losing Stephen. 

* 

It's raining and Charlie can't go home. 

Stephen's at home, with a jaw that's probably smarting the same way Charlie's knuckles are. 

He ducks into the tube station because it'll keep him from getting any more soaked and once he's walking his feet just keep on carrying him forward. He sits and leans forward, elbows on his knees, face buried in his hand. He's got his wallet and his computer and a jacket that'll be warm once it dries again, but no idea where to go. 

He tries to clear his mind and think of where he wants to be, if he could be anywhere. He just needs - someone. Someone that won't make him feel like shit for just existing. He's scared and lonely and not even nineteen years old yet and he wants the chance to go back and fix mistakes he was made because he was dumb and horny and had stars in his eyes. 

He's had Phil's address for a while, since that time he and Stephen were planning on visiting. That visit never happened; they had the worst kind of fight and the best kind of makeup and spent the whole weekend in bed instead. 

He's on the train for enough hours that night has fallen and his clothes have dried by the time he gets off. He uses his phone to map the address out and with every step closer to Phil he feels a little lighter. Phil won't turn him away, and it'll be nice to see him - and maybe this is good. He and Stephen are over, he knows it. Even if they make up this time, they can't sustain a relationship when they're just so fucking awful to each other, for each other. 

*

He's on Phil's street, smiling to himself because this is reckless but he's ready to throw himself at Phil's feet and beg for - something, anything. Whatever Phil will give him. 

He just wants to feel like Phil always made him feel before. He wants to be held and petted and told it's going to be okay. Phil makes things better for people, it's like his hidden talent. 

And then he hears a familiar laugh, and he stops walking. He steps back so hastily he almost trips because Phil's right there and he's not alone. He's walking with - shit, Dan, and of course Charlie knew about Dan, but he forgot Dan moved to Manchester too and his heart plummets to the ground. 

The smart thing to do with be turn tail and go home but Charlie's never been all that smart. He waits until they're inside, then waits a few more minutes after that. 

Then he knocks on the door, because he's a masochist. 

Dan answers. They've met before, once or twice. They talk on twitter now and then. Dan's an all right guy, barring the fact that he's fucking the guy whose arms Charlie thought he was running into. 

*

Phil's different. 

He's different with Dan, somehow. He's a little more confident, a little louder in how he speaks and prouder in how he carries himself. 

"Will you run out and get the pizza?" Phil says to Dan. 

Dan looks at Charlie and he looks so unsure but Phil puts a hand on his arm and Dan relents. 

The second Dan's gone, Charlie laughs and mutters a, "Thanks," as he tugs his jumper sleeves over his fingers nervously. 

"Charlie," Phil says, so painfully tender. "Are you okay?" 

That's really all it takes for Charlie to break. Fat tears roll down his cheek and he shakes his head. "I don't think so." 

Phil hugs him in tight and doesn't say anything when Charlie clenches two handfuls of Phil's shirt between his fingers or gets the material damp with his tears. Phil lets him cry noisily and messily and just whispers soothing little shh sounds and rubs a hand over his back until Charlie's worked out the first wave of whatever this is. 

"I'm sorry," Charlie gasps, wiping at his eyes as he pulls back. 

Phil looks... gutted, really. His own eyes are damp and his lips lips are drawn in a look of worry. Charlie understands with just a look that Phil does still care, that he cares very much, but all the fantasies Charlie had about how this reunion might go have already disintegrated the moment he realized that Phil's probably not the only one who lives in this flat, unofficial or otherwise. 

"This are just... shit." Charlie laughs shakily. 

Phil reaches out and catches his hand and pulls him in again. It's a looser embrace this time, but Charlie closes his eyes and enjoys just for a moment now nice it feels to rest his head on Phil's shoulder. 

Then Phil's phone buzzes and he steps back again. "Dan's got the pizzas," he says, glancing up. "It's about a ten minute walk." 

He could kiss Phil right now. He could say fuck it, fuck Dan, and see if Phil still would. But even Charlie at his worst understands how bad that would go, for him probably more than anyone else. 

"Can I go wash my face?" Charlie asks. 

In the bathroom he sees a pile of towels. He sees clothes heaped on the floor that aren't Phil's style at all. He sees two toothbrushes and a little monster figuring balanced behind the taps. 

He almost cries again. It's not even really about Phil right now. It's the fact that even if he has a place to sleep tonight, he doesn't know what'll happen tomorrow or the day after that. He's not sure where his life is going and it's really unfair that he's so young and feels like he's been through so much shit. 

*

When Dan gets back, they eat pizza in Phil's tiny living room and watch something on the television. Dan sits too close to Phil even though Phil's eyes barely leave Charlie all night long. 

It soothes him a little bit that Phil still must want to be there for Charlie the way he always was, even if there's a reason now he can't quite be. 

In the morning Charlie will get up and leave before either of them are awake. He'll get back on the train and go somewhere else. Maybe to his parents, maybe back to Stephen to give it one more go. Either thought make him feel hollow inside when he looks at the way Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder and Phil sneaks a little squeeze to Dan's knee. Charlie being here is probably going to cause an awful mess if he remembers Dan's temper, but it says a lot that Phil's willing to risk it for someone whose barely even been a decent friend to him, much less anything more. 

But that's Phil, isn't it? He loves big and well and doesn't really stop. There's something special about Phil. 

It's a shame, Charlie thinks, that he didn't figure that out in time.


End file.
